01/26/13

I heart romance.

New cities are frightening and confusing, without a doubt, but really, everywhere is mostly the same. We watch the same TV, buy the same shit in stores. Everywhere has stoplights and poor people. You feel bad in the living room, get up, go to the refrigerator, feel bad in the kitchen. The houses I clean all have little towers to hold their toothbrushes in. Everybody’s got a goddamn vase and a picture frame on the wall. Half of you are halfway through a jigsaw puzzle on the dining room table, big deal. Weather makes a difference some, but not too much. Even if you’ve never seen snow, you’ve heard about it.

Not to be a total downer. There’s nothing wrong with everything being the same everywhere. There’s nothing wrong with anything.

Speaking of television. Last week I started watching the Bachelor on hulu. If you’re judging me, back off, I have my reasons. You don’t need me to tell you that the people on these shows are shallow monsters, unimaginably stupid and probably actors ad-libbing a script. This is the show’s 17th season; the scholarship has been done.

Again, who knows if he’s for real or not, but I’m struck by the bachelor, Sean, how dopey and sincere he seems to be about finding his wife out of a pool of 25 sluts on network television. He seems to be a man with no interests or preferences, so inevitably he falls in love with all the women. He’s like a bird who has tumbled out of the nest and thinks every object he sees is his mother. I went ahead and transcribed some clips.

SEAN: I know you said you're an army brat, but there's so much I don't know about you, so...
LINDSAY: Yes. My parents are still together. They've been together for forever. My dad's a general in the army, so...
SEAN: Wow.
LINDSAY: It's crazy, you know, its awesome. But um when my parents do have that time together, they make it count.
SEAN: Yeah. I love that. I'm all about family, and it's really refreshing-
LINDSAY: You are?
SEAN: Yeah. I love family.
LINDSAY: That's awesome.
SEAN: I can't imagine how it's going to feel when I have my own kids and a wife-
LINDSAY: It's just something that I want more than anything. It's- I want more than anything to marry my best friend and have a family and just give them everything.
SEAN: Yeah.
LINDSAY: Everything, yeah.

SEAN, TO THE CAMERA:
I was blown away by lindsay. Lindsay showed me another side that I didn't see the first night.

That is really inspiring and romantic. It must be hard to find a girl in her twenties in America interested in starting a family and having children. They are soul mates. Here’s another one.

ASHLEE: I definitely want as many children as my husband and I decide.
SEAN: I can feel the love coming from your heart and it's just so endearing.

Also, there’s a girl on the show with one arm. If you don’t know how I feel about amputees, well: I’m for them.

Until next time, friends.

10/9/12

four dogs, two humans.

My brain still doesn’t think my life is real life. I don’t know why, cuz I mean, look around, it’s the realest. We eat a lot of potatoes and tonight I’ve got big plans of steaming up the rest of the red cabbage. We’re like the Bucket family in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. They were pretty hardcore vegans until they got their hands on an unlimited supply of milk chocolate. “It wasn’t even really a chocolate river,” the kid who played Augustus Gloop later told reporters. “It was cold, dirty water.” At least, that’s what my friend Alice says he said; who knows if it’s true. She does the Austrian accent and everything, it’s hilarious!

The point is, four dogs live here now. The mini poodles are a contract pet sitting job from craigslist. The rancher who owns two mini poodles will be back in three weeks to collect his pups when he returns from the oil fields. There’s no reason to think the rancher won’t come back for his mini poodles.

 

Here are some old cranky poodles named Corky and Roxy. They think that my lap belongs to them. They are the prince and princess of my free orange chair. Everything in this picture but my satchel is curtesy of craigslist.

In an entirely separate incident, my roommate found the beagles in the “for sale: general” section of craigslist listed for one dollar. It’s fate, he argued. Who else would find an ad for two perfect beagles when they were so miscategorized? Like our love—like our improbable craigslist love, when you go looking for a roommate and instead find a loveless marriage—the dogs were meant to be ours. So that’s how we went from having zero dogs to four emotionally needy little animals in a single Sunday afternoon. They’re squirmy and hard to photograph, I’ll say that for them.

After some big important scent, I'm sure.

 

The beagles came to us with the names Bella and Buster, which is too much alliteration, anyone would agree, but then again, they seem to know their names well enough and who are we, their new slave masters? Jesse likes the name Bella but wants to call the bigger one Edward. He thinks it’s hilarious to reference Twilight in this way. I don’t always get my roommate’s sense of humor. He also thinks it would be really funny to go to the polls and vote for Romney. Ha ha. Voted for Romney. And there’s all the Nazi stuff on his Facebook page. Ha ha. The Third Reich. We’re still getting to know each other I guess.

My mom saw a psychic, and the psychic told my mother, “Which of your kids is the writer? This person should write a book.”

The world has high hopes for me and I fucking hate that. How come psychics never tell people, “I see your daughter, sitting on a comfy orange chair surrounded by spooky clouds and music. She should continue to fulfill her destiny by watching “The Dog Whisperer” and “Animal Hoarders” for hours a day, Ooooooo……”