It’s starting to become a problem. (“Your looks have become a problem!” #namethatfilm) I get in these funks where I wait too long in between blog posts, and pretty soon every day I just feel sick and sad that I haven’t posted anything. It really gnaws at me! It causes a lot of undue suffering. Like one week of not writing equals one dead cat in my backpack, and then one day I wake up and find I’m carting around 5 or 6 dead cats. Then I try to write and I’m hypercritical and self-conscious about what I’ve written, I throw everything in the garbage—anyway, it’s this whole gross, boring cycle.
Long story short, I solved the problem by finding this inexplicable list of free interview questions on the internet. For a change of pace, I tried to answer these questions as plainly, honestly, and un-sarcastically as possible. Next week: My novel, in its entirety. ha ha ha. l o l. It turned out really long! All free! Enjoy!
WHAT DO YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION?
Walking dogs is mind numbingly easy. I’m good at it. I like animals. My job burns calories. The pay is okay.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE LEAST?
I have a fucking master’s degree; this shit is humiliating. Particularly when I see my friends publishing their books and/or talking about writing their class syllabuses. It makes me feel sick. Every day I feel like I’m wasting my life.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS?
A little over a year.
SHOULD YOUR PARENTS HAVE BEEN MORE OR LESS STRICT?
I chose my parents before I was born. They got divorced when I was 4 which I don’t think is good or bad, contrary to what we’ve been brainwashed to believe. My mom wasn’t strict at all and I turned out okay. I do wish somebody had told me to brush my teeth and sit farther away from the television, cuz now my eyes and teeth are fucked up.
HOW WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD?
My hair was snarled; I was always covered in dirt. We took the boat out to the lake. I played a lot of soccer at my best friend Dylan’s house. I used to stay up late at night and write fake reports from topics in our world encyclopedias. I idolized my brother and was mystified by my sister. I had the feeling that everybody thought I was special, in both the good and bad way. We rode our bikes to the woods. In my memory it was good, but I'm sure at the time it felt like the present moment, which usually feels bad, or at the very least, uncomfortable and incomplete. I know that as I got older I had more and more social problems in school. I was often sullen and at night I would make myself sick with worrying about why there was something instead of nothing. It scared me and still does.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
If I’m happy, then the word happy has no meaning.
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?
I’d be more careful with men’s hearts. And I'd try to not be an obese teen.
IF YOU HADN'T BEEN BORN IN THIS CENTURY, WHEN AND WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE LIVED?
I’m a woman, so anytime before say, 1968, no thank you.
WHO ARE YOUR HEROES?
Any artist who overcomes their depression enough to make good art. No specific names come to mind. I see a person who’s smart and kind and cool and I think: I want to be like you.
WHO DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR?
I think everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.
WHAT DO YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Beat myself up.
ARE YOU POLITICALLY ACTIVE?
Nah. I think the best thing anybody can do is to develop her spiritual self/moral compass. Policy is actually very nerdy and complicated. People imagine there are malevolent forces out to get us when in reality I think it’s just a big dumb machine and the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing. I’m resigned to just keep my head down, stay out of trouble and try to carve out the best life given what I have.
DO YOU DO ANY VOLUNTEER WORK?
Not unless you count this circle jerk of a website. You’re welcome.
HOW HAS AMERICA CHANGED IN THE LAST TEN YEARS?
We’ve pretty much come around on the gays; that’s nice to see. Looks like video games and computers keep getting better. Good job, America.
HOW HAVE YOU CHANGED?
I haven’t that much.
WHAT'S THE SIDE OF YOU THAT THE PUBLIC NEVER SEES?
I think in real life I can be very sweet. I don't know if that comes across as much on the internet. And maybe it's not even true.
DO YOU SOMETIMES FEEL THAT THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT
________________? (SUBJECT'S NAME, PLURALIZED)
Yeah. There’s the Molly that is me and the Molly that is a dumb ass drug people say dumb shit about that my brain won’t let me do anymore.
DO YOU WISH YOU HAD MORE PRIVACY?
If I did, that wish could come true.
If you haven't figured out by now, these questions are written with celebrity in mind, so. I will say that I don't think I would mind if my tits got leaked on the internet. (See Morgan Murphy's hilarious stand up on this topic.) But of course, it's also totally okay to mind.
DO YOU THINK THE PUBLIC AND CRITICS EXPECT TOO MUCH FROM YOU?
No. I’m flattered whenever anyone expects anything of me at all. It’s a compliment.
HOW HARD DO YOU PUSH YOURSELF?
Not very hard.
WHEN ARE YOU COMPLETELY SATISFIED WITH YOUR WORK?
Never really. I come close when people compliment me a lot.
WHY HAVE YOU SUCCEEDED IN A FIELD WHERE SO MANY OTHERS HAVE FAILED?
I genuinely consider myself a failure. As for my few piddly successes: They were because the work was really good. That’s the only explanation. It’s not because I’m good with people or networking or any of that shit.
WHAT'S THE MAGIC FORMULA FOR SUCCESS?
Work really hard + be really talented + know the right people.
I don’t know if that’s the right order or not. It’s more like a circle than a linear line.
GENERAL QUESTIONS, PART 2
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT REINCARNATION?
I totally believe in it. I feel it in my bones and I’ve seen it in my dreams.
HOW ABOUT ASTROLOGY?
Bullshit. Or even if it's not, most people don't know how to decode it. The enneagram rules!
WHAT ABOUT LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS?
Lots but far away.
WHAT DO YOU DO TO RELAX?
IS THERE A BATTLE OF THE SEXES?
Only in people’s heads.
Depends on the head.
ARE WE RETURNING TO A MORE ROMANTIC TIME?
I don’t know about this “we” business. I know I’m not. The older I get, the less romantic.
HOW DO YOU DEFINE MACHO?
Anybody who can carry me on his or her back is macho.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE TRADITIONAL ROLES FOR MEN AND WOMEN?
Nah but there’s something to be said for division of labor. One person chops the wood, the other peels the carrots. Shouldn’t matter who does what of course.
IF YOU WERE A MAN (WOMAN) HOW DIFFERENT DO YOU THINK YOUR CAREER WOULD HAVE GONE?
It’s hard to get hired in this city as a dog walker if you’re a man. People think women are more trustworthy, which in my case is hilarious. If I were a man I’d probably be some sort of day laborer. Maybe somebody would have taught me a goddamn marketable trade when I was a kid.
If we’re talking about writing, I don’t know. I think it bodes well for me that I’m a woman because I don’t think I write like most women. I think people give me a harder time for navel-gazing because I’m a woman, but I mean. I can’t really deny that I do that. I’m interviewing myself on mollylaich.com right now, for example.
WHAT'S THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE RUMOR EVER PRINTED ABOUT YOU?
I wish. Closest thing I can think of: Somebody once wrote in a comment section on one of my indy articles something like “Molly must be sleeping with the editor in order to keep getting work” which I found, you know, incredibly insulting (and really untrue, I should add, if anyone was wondering. Robert and I are great friends but we don't fuck, christ.) That same person left a comment on another article. They were all…wait, let me get this verbatim: “Great interview? I don't think so. The interviewer insinuated herself nearly a dozen times in this brief dialogue with the words I or me.” I often jerk off at night to an image of this person hunched over their free weekly paper counting the number of times I used the words I or me.
WHAT WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE?
I don't know.
DO YOU WORRY ABOUT WHETHER PEOPLE LIKE YOU FOR THE REAL YOU, OR BECAUSE YOU'RE A CELEBRITY?
DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS EASILY?
Also no. I don’t think I’ve ever successfully pursued a friendship on my own. If we’re friends, you did the work. Thank you. It means a lot. Unless we’re talking about the internet, in which case, I consider myself wildly popular.
WHICH DO YOU ENJOY MOST: A NIGHT ON THE TOWN OR STAYING IN WITH THAT SOMEONE SPECIAL?
To answer this question would imply that life is one way or the other when we all know it’s always both and neither. Side note: I'm enjoying the inverse of "special someone" here.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PIG-OUT FOOD?
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR EXERCISE?
All kinds of boring stuff.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM?
My fantasy football team “The Detroit Lions.”
DO YOU THINK AMERICANS PUT TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON COMPETITION?
Every American is different.
IF YOU WERE PRESIDENT, WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU'D DO?
SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT __________________(SUBJECT'S NAME) HAS IT ALL. WHAT DON'T YOU HAVE?
QUESTIONS FOR AUTHORS
HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED WRITING?
I was really little. In first grade I wrote this thing about how I wanted to be God. Everybody thought it was cute and wise. I remember filing that away under “This is a way to get attention and love.”
WHEN DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS WOULD BE YOUR PROFESSION?
First of all, I don’t “know” anything. But I decided to make a go of it and take it seriously around the end of undergrad when I realized I thought I was better than everyone else in my workshop. So far I’d say I’ve pretty much failed.
WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR?
I worked with him in grad school. He helped me publish several stories. He called me shallow once. His writing is really smart and good. On the sentence level: calm, poised and true. Funny but not annoyingly witty. It's like every line winks at you under the surface with the knowledge that the world is bullshit but we still need to carry on and try to love one another anyway. His writing is like if David Foster Wallace understood the virtue of brevity. Seriously, read one of his books if you haven't yet. I'm mucking it up trying to explain it.
ARE THERE ANY WRITERS WHOSE SUCCESS MYSTIFIES YOU?
It would be unwise of me to name names in a town this small, but a lot of people seriously bore me.
DO YOU READ MORE FICTION, OR NON-FICTION?
I used to read way more non-fiction but that flipped once my heart died and I decided I knew all I cared to know.
WHAT ARE YOU READING LATELY?
Wild by Cheryl Strayed and some garbage novel I won’t mention by name.
WHAT ARE A COUPLE OF YOUR ALL-TIME FAVORITE BOOKS?
The Road to Los Angeles by John Fante, Jernigan by David Gates, Jesus’ Son by Denis Johnson, Bad Behavior by Mary Gaitskill, The Catcher in the Rye by you know who, and so on.
CAN AN AUTHOR WRITE FOR THE PULITZER AND THE PUBLIC AT THE SAME TIME?
Any author “writing for the Pulitzer” can fuck right the fuck off. I know people like that. They’re gross.
PUBLISHING HAS BECOME BIG BUSINESS. HAS THAT HURT?
It has? Oh god yes, it hurts. It burns.
WHAT INSPIRED YOUR LATEST BOOK?
I’m going to cry.
DO YOU THINK TELEVISION IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ILLITERACY?
I’m not a doctor, but I think literacy rates are at pretty much an all time high. I just looked it up; the internet says literacy rates in America haven’t changed in 10 years. It also says Seattle is the most literate city in the US. I thought it was Boston. Anyway, that would explain why everybody here is a smug fuck.
WHEN YOU GO TO SEE A MOVIE, DO YOU TRY TO READ THE BOOK FIRST?
You know, sometimes. Particularly if I think I might be assigned to responding to google reviews of the movie.
MANY SCHOOLS HAVE BANNED CERTAIN BOOKS FOR VARIOUS REASONS. WHERE DO YOU THINK THE LINE SHOULD BE DRAWN?
No line. Leave it up to the librarians. They’re some of the raddest people on earth.
HOW DO YOU OVERCOME WRITER'S BLOCK?
I look up bullshit interview questions on the internet and answer them.
HAVE YOU EVER WRITTEN ABOUT YOUR OWN BAD HABITS?
Oh lord, yes.
DO YOU EVER FEEL FORCED TO WRITE?
Like there’s a fucking gun to my head pretty much all the time.
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF A PUBLISHER WANTED TO CONDENSE YOUR WORK?