02/27/14

the depressed person’s guide to Seattle AWP 2014.

Interspersed among the misanthropy are a few genuine tips but it takes a special person  to tell one from the other. Are you a special person? I love you.

1. The Space Needle

There’s no point in riding the elevator up to the top of the space needle, what are you, a child? Firstly it costs like 30 dollars. To go up an elevator in a building. Have you never seen a skyline? It’s gray and terrible and seagulls circle below for scraps. Think if things were different. In the next life, you could be the scraps. Also parking is shitty there and all over the city and it’s two busses from the convention center, why do anything ever.

But seriously, if you insist on a goddamn view I hear the Columbia City Tower at 701 5th Ave #4000, Seattle, WA 98104 is taller and cheaper.

2. Street Persons

A guide to the variety of street persons you will meet include, but are not limited to:

  • The working hobos sell “Real Change” newspapers for 2 dollars. It’s a legit newspaper that you’re never going to read, but don’t be a prick, buy at least one Real Change. Use the Real Change to line the walls of your self created prison of despair or to wrap up fish at Pike’s Place Market or some quaint shit like that, I don’t care.
  • The environmentalists with clipboards are very upsetting. They’re the most annoying people in the world and they know it. Do you think your tax deductible donation is going to save the polar bears or your immortal soul? Look out the window for hope and you’ll find none. It’s no wonder we’ve been driven to this state. The sickly sadness inside of all of us is more easily explained by every wilted revelation.
  • There’s a guy on the street wearing an adorable plush purple dinosaur hat who every day holds up a sign saying “I Need a Fat Bitch.” I pride myself on understanding people but I can’t unwrap this guy’s motivation. No one gives him any money. He’s the least charismatic street person I’ve ever met, and I’ve met men with no jaws. What does he need the fat bitch for? His dogged commitment to the cause at once perplexes and devastates me.
  • Me and my dogs. I’ll be hitting the streets on Thursday and Friday during the day, tweet me @mollyl !

3. The Seattle Seahawks

Think of the gall of these people. Not only do we break records in making loud noises, we’ve declared ourselves the 12th member of the team. I think half the people in this coffee shop are expecting to receive their SuperBowl ring in the mail. Any day now. Guess what, Seattle. If you don’t know how to play football you’re not on the fucking team. Nobody looks good in a football jersey and there’s no God.

4. The Seattle Freeze

People here are so stuck up and unfriendly they had to come up with a name for it. I like it. I’m glad.

5. Land and Water Duck Tour

This looks like a lot of fun. It costs about 40 bucks to take a tour of the city in a white car that is also a boat. I’ve never seen where the boat goes into the water. That would be fun to know. How many people drown in the Puget Sound every year and what can we do to increase those numbers? Sometimes when I’m walking the dogs, the boat cars drive by and I really want to wave at them, but then I’m afraid somehow the wave will reveal how black my heart is. Win a date with me on the Land and Water Duck Tour! The entry fee is the cost of my ticket and everyone who enters wins.

[number 6 edited for getting a job purposes, I bet you fucking wish you knew what it said now!]

7. Starbucks

HI WELCOME TO STARBUCKS WHAT CAN I GET STARTED FOR YOU. I don’t know what they’re like where you live, but every Starbucks employee in this city is the last cylon.

8. The bus

All the busses that run through the stop just outside the convention center will get you to Capitol Hill, where I live in squalor in a tiny studio apartment. My refrigerator is in my living room which is also my bedroom. After reading that sentence I encourage you to look at your own life and all the choices you’ve made that have led you to this pitiful moment. In Capitol Hill you will find that hot gay men are the new hot girl. These hot gay men pride themselves on sneering at my outfit and providing terrible customer service. Welcome to my neighborhood! I am invisible here and so are you.

The 49 and 43 go to the U District. If you need to go North to Ballard, Fremont, Northgate, etc. there’s a bus depot a block over. Use the One Bus Away app to find the bus times. It costs 2.25 or 2.50 depending on the day. Bus drivers are the kindest people in the city, unless you’re unlucky and draw a moody one.

9. Our many, many neighborhoods

The people who live here always talk about how each neighborhood has its own unique culture and flavor but all I see are murky tones of pain, pain, pain.

10. Ludi’s Restaurant

My gift to you. The best place for shitty, greasy food to match your shitty, greasy disposition can be found at 2nd and Pike. Also they sell crack and black tar heroin just outside the doors, but be careful. You buy crack one time and you’re on their mailing list forever; it’s a total pyramid scheme. Do you want to eat someplace nice? Go fuck yourself, you don’t need me. Use Yelp, you yuppy fuck.

Sorry to end on such a sour note. It’s not you, it’s me. I love you!

 

02/11/14

The only ‘top 10 films of 2013′ list ever written.

10. Room 237

This is a good movie to fall asleep to if you want your dreams invaded by raving lunatics who’ve gotten their brains on esoteric bordering on conspiracy film theory. The Shining is my all time favorite horror film, and this documentary featuring multiple bizarre and supernatural interpretations from real live humans is scarier than the original. I liked this netflix documentary more than Gravity, that’s what kind of an asshole I am. 

What?

What?

9. This is the End 

At one point, a man’s head comes off his body and the camera switches to the severed head’s point of view as the boys in the film who are playing themselves kick the head around on the floor. And then they go to Heaven and everybody sings “Backstreet’s back!” which is a pretty good song but not great. This film’s major influences likely include but are not limited to: Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, The Seventh Seal, The Craft, George Washington and the TV series Quantum Leap.

I want to fuck all these guys.

I want to fuck all these guys.

8. Upstream Color 

This movie makes no sense. It acts foreign but it was made by the guy who made Primer, a film I plan on getting around to watching sometime soon. People are very affectionate with pigs in this film and thats a thing I like to see. Every night we as humans are afraid of worms crawling in our ears that make us do terrible things, and yet nobody talks about it. This is an important film visually as well as socially and politically, as it raises awareness about worms crawling into our skull and taking over our minds. Now streaming on netflix; somebody pay me for these hyperlinks.

upstream-color-2-580

my vision board.

7. Before Midnight 

I don’t like it when Jesse and Celine fight. If you can’t be happy in Europe with your beautiful children and novelist husband than there is no such thing as happy. Any future joy ahead of us will come in a series of fleeting moments, like the way it is now, like we’ve always suspected, and I still cannot believe that bitch said she didn’t love him anymore.

Life sucks.

Life is awful!

6. Blue Jasmine

Here’s some things about this movie nobody ever talks about. 1. Alec Baldwin’s character struck me as nice and easy to get along with. He really is in love with the French au pair and probably believes it’s okay to steal money from people because life is a game and having a lot of money is how you know you’ve played the game well. What does this say about you? Are you nice? 2. All the scenes taking place in the dentist office are poorly written and unfunny. 3. What happens to Jasmine at the end? I think prescription drugs turns into heroin and she’s dead in six months but look at me with my head in the clouds.

Her clothes cost more than my face.

If you have a problem with me putting a Woody Allen film on this list I’d be more than happy to not talk about it!

5. Dallas Buyer’s Club

People become unraveled by death and I don’t like to see that happen. It reminds me that I’ll die someday, and if it’s not something unexpected like an anvil from the sky or a sudden elevator shaft, then I might have an inkling it’s coming for me. I might get very anxious and start juicing vegetables for some reason other than trying to make my skin glow so my ex boyfriend will like me, and I don’t like thinking about that feeling. This movie would have been a lot more earth shattering if it had come out in 2002 or something. I remember in 1999 when I was a junior in high school a woman came to our school and gave a lecture on HIV. Afterward I went up to her and shook her hand and asked her if I could get AIDS from my tongue piercing. I knew that was a stupid question but really I just wanted to touch someone who had AIDS. I had this thought that it might be my only chance, and so far (as far as I know) I was right. Is that fucked up? I don’t know.

Jared Leto's steller performance = proof that acting must not be that hard.

Jared Leto’s stellar performance = proof that acting must not be that hard.

4. 12 Years a Slave 

Forget about the social and historical relevance or whatever. Now that it’s been a few months since I’ve seen it, I think about the way the cotton looked against the sky, the weird soundtrack and that fucking snow globe hurling through the air at the pretty slave’s head, holy fuck slavery was awful. Also, did you see the fun movie game I made up for Unstuck magazine, GOD or NO GOD?

cheer up everyone.

Just nine more years buddy.

3. The Wolf of Wall Street

This movie’s only controversial if you believe the film glorifies and celebrates the lead characters, which it doesn’t, so calm the fuck down. It’s not 12 Years A Slave for chrissake, it’s not going to beat you over the head with its thesis. Look at the face of the woman who’s having her hair cut off at that Charles Foster Kane like party. That’s where you’ll find the morality. Contrast Wolf with something like the Goodfellas rip-off Blow from 2002. Now, that’s a movie that celebrates a guy who profited off of millions of people’s drug addictions and misery and never ever once felt bad about it, and never once did the movie invite us to feel bad about it either. The fact that people have misunderstood Wolf isn’t the movies fault. Who didn’t know before today that people aren’t smart? Leonardo DiCaprio is a crush gone rogue, I want to lick him.

I didn't realize men could be so into their wives but look at this.

I didn’t realize men could be so into their wives but look at this.

2. Her

I knew I was dating my computer before I saw Her, but now I really know. I’m in a relationship with all 786 of my twitter followers, so long as we’re including parody accounts, literary journals and local chiropractors, which we are. I feel as though movies are unpacking the truth of existence at a quicker pace than the average man on the street, which could lead to breakdowns later but there’s no point in dreading a future we can’t know about, is there? Did you know that no one ever really loved anyone else? That we’re nothing but slaves to our piddly sensations and even these are fleeting and without a master? I don’t act like I know it, but I know it. Parades are in order for this, the best mainstream film of the year, with its pink sadness and creepy wisdom on the nature of relationships and what they do to us.

her-film-02

In the future writers live in nice apartments.

1. The Act of Killing

I can’t pretend I didn’t see this documentary just because my brain doesn’t know what to do with Indonesian women dancing outside the gaping mouth of a wooden, house-sized bass. Werner Herzog said that after watching 8 minutes of Josh Oppenheimer’s footage, he knew he’d seen something extraordinary, and he and Errol Morris signed on as executive producers, a fancy term for $ $ $ and getting shit done. The film stars men who are making their own movie about their personal role in killing more than a million communists 40 years earlier under a tyrannical government regime. They’re proud and gleeful about what they’ve done and it makes you think, “Wait, I thought I knew what it meant to be a human, this is confusing.” In vipassana meditation, you sit still for days at a time waiting around for unpleasant sensations to come bubbling up to the surface. They’re called sankaras, and it’s weird! That time you lied to your friend in high school and didn’t feel bad about it shows up 15 years later in the shape of a scratch on your nose.  Think of the sankaras coursing through your veins after killing thousands of people with blunt tools and wire. In The Act of Killing I liked when the kids wouldn’t stop crying after they said ‘cut’ and the way the lead character couldn’t stop dry heaving when the cameras followed him back to the death pit. I mean, not “like.” You know what I mean.

hilarious

Hilarious! Wait no, a different feeling.

Honorable mentions: Gravity, American Hustle, Captain Phillips, Frances Ha, August: Osage County, Out of the Furnace 

Special Jury Prize for a movie that technically came out in 2012 but otherwise probably would have been 4 or 5 on my list: The Place Beyond the Pines 

Terrible films that I moderately enjoyed anyway: The Counselor, After Earth, Elysium 

Top 5 worst films of 2013 I happened to see: Movie 43, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The Secret Life of Walter MittyKerouacThe Company You Keep   

Don’t think I didn’t see these films, I just didn’t like them: Inside Llewyn Davis, Nebraska, Blue is the Warmest Color 

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY LIST?