turning thirty.

Everybody says that your thirties are better, and I believe them. Seems to me like the fire inside of you burns steadier, that you care less what other people think. There’s more grace to be had from knowing from experience, instead of having to act strong and guess all the time.

It feels like a very significant birthday to me. My whole life I’ve felt this way, that when I was thirty, something profound would shift. It feels as though all of the changes I’ve made recently are meant to prepare me for whatever is next. Never mind that it’s 2012 and the world is coming undone in all the ways I’ve seen in my dreams since I was little. I’m not scared about the future, but I’m very curious. In a week I move back west again, and let me tell you… not a moment too soon.

My zero birthday, April 23, 1982: I was born at home, with midwives, in the house my mother and I still live in. These are iPhone shots taken of actual pictures, inelegantly. (Put them through an instagram filter and the universe would probably unfurl.)

my brother and sister are excited to meet me. They don't know anything about the future.

My father cuts the chord. it's weird to think that my parents were once married. I'd recognize that silver bowl anywhere. We fill it with lettuce leaves, still.

My mother was 30 years old when she had me. At last, we're the same age.

I think that shadow is my hand, lurking from the future. I don't know what else to say. My mother is so pretty. Last night, she made me a raw vegan carrot cake.

Look. I don’t weep, do you?




tv and friendship.

Oh my god, somebody, put a bullet in my brain. I am a dying star. Waterford, Michigan is killing me.

There are ways to tell whether or not you’re happy. Like if you wake up well after noon every day, and yet you want to go to bed at 8 pm, you might be unhappy. If you start lusting for the coffee you’re going to get to drink tomorrow immediately after your last cup of coffee today, it could be your life has little meaning.

What are the effects of cable television? Here’s some tweets I’ve been writing lately about cable television:

  • “My 600 lb Life” is the saddest show I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe she’s married and I’m not.
  • Quick and the Dead on TV. Sharon Stone is very pretty!
  • Seriously, though. The Quick and the Dead is a terrible, terrible film.
  • fat shredder. big arm blast. explosive chest. ripped abs.
  • I wish I’d taken a diabetes medication called Actos that gave me bladder cancer, cuz then I’d be entitled to a settlement, maybe.
  • wish I’d received an infuse bone graft on my spinal chord that gave me cancer, cuz then I’d be entitled to a settlement, maybe.
  • oh man. if only I’d experienced liver failure as a result of taking acetaminophen… cash settlement.
  • The Golden Child is a totally good movie.
  • every day is a 5 hour energy day if you made all the wrong choices.
  • I wanna fuck the guy in the tv ad trying to sell me the big schticky and the little schticky cuz ppl tend to shut up when they’re fucking.

There’s more where that came from, guys.

I haven’t been able to write anything good lately. I try, but it’s not good. I was thinking I might want to write a 5 paragraph essay on the importance of friendship, with a funnel paragraph introduction. The introduction would go something like this:

In today's society, there are people all over the world. People can choose to be friends, enemies, or some other thing in between, like indifferent to or not know each other. Friends are good to have because you can talk about your feelings, help each other with problems and do fun things together that you both enjoy doing. Therefore, it's important to have friends in order to be happy and fulfilled as a person in today's society in the world.

Then from there I’d have three paragraphs that had three different reasons why friends were good, and then a conclusion that said the same thing as the introduction in a different way and order.

I’m wondering now if maybe I hit my head on something earlier, and the blow was so severe that I can’t remember the injury. How would I know if that happened? I wouldn’t ever know because I wouldn’t be able to remember it. I haven’t slept in awhile so this might be a sleep thing, also. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.